Who am I?
Recent events in my life have propelled me to ponder a very tricky question in the shaping of my person: is it the time in my life where I stop picking bits and pieces from the experiences of others in a hope of morphing the best of them into what is supposedly the ultimate bestest-of-the-best version that is my supposedly ‘idealized self’, and actually start pruning those various strands of personalities, dispositions, tastes and ambitions on the basis of my feeble yet apparently existent and emerging sense of self, including my own taste and my own preference. The path of the latter can be a frightening and tentative experience, since invariably my own wicked self is likely to be ill-fitted with the established ‘modes’ and ‘types’ of the world. I think this applies to every individual as well: types is a mere sociological generalization that does not really exist in real life.
Yesterday I tried the carpe-diem fun-seeking experience and philosophy that young people my age are catching up to and finding fun in: bars at night, house parties where ‘do you like anything to drink’ entails a list of options that prioritizes gin, vodka, rum and beer over water, talks about the general arts: theatre, concerts (both classical music and modern), meeting an upcoming author, going to places in the world. Overall I now think I have hated it, (except for the art-related activities, which inevitably is a taste cultivated not only by a genuine interest but also by money).
Maybe in that almost instinctive inability to enjoy these fun activities which these peers of mine seem to delight in has emerged my feeble yet distinct sense of a self. If there is a mental portrait of myself, the rough strokes would probably tell that at the age of 21 I:
- don’t get the idea of staying up for partying and consuming alcohol
- consider it strange and slightly sinful that people my age should take for granted the use of alcohols as a means to have fun (actually I do not think they had fun, given the 3-in-the-morning nausea and mental strain) and make a show that they’ve been good friends with alcohol since their birth - I will have beer and the occasional drinks with people that I really like, but I do not see it as a necessary agent in having fun. Alcohol is peripheral.
- appreciate the arts tremendously (but reget not having invested enough time at effort in it).
- appreciate distinct personal opinions on things and am trying to develop a more pronounced individual voice.
- admire people who have their own niche interest and pursuits.
- like studying, improving the related skills in studying and especially thinking, figuring out why E=MC2, the cognitive benefit of game playing, the psychological and philosophical patterns hidden behind the daily use of languages. Good times for me are the times where I spend exploring ideas and discussing these things over with like-minded people. Over a couple of beers, fine, not drinking vodka till a round of card-playing starts becoming fun.
I may be a nerd but I fucking like it. Only in this way of life do I find my life not wasted.
