My Talking Cure
What is there to life anyway? If the validation from the outside world starts crumbling and becomes all of a sudden uncertain, and you thus become even incredulous of who you are and what you are made of?
Life somehow is subsequently reduced to sex, everything about it. The thought of sex, the visuals, the tentative acts of it on my own body, then suddenly halted because I have simply given it too many a go lately and do not have the “sexiness” in me anymore, and also because of the realization that sex here is simply an escape mechanism.
Life is certainly not about doing meaningful things at the moment anymore, but rather filling it with tasks and tasks and tasks until the pit is full, but is it ever?
What is there to worry about anyway? Julian Barnes seems to think, as have many great people from the past, that with the thought of death in mind everything’s ultimate significance becomes clearer, and you may well gain a whole different perspective on life. So I am going to do it for a few seconds.
If I were to die in a few hours…the thought of any MA admission or academic dissertation would be the last thing on my mind.
Emotion proves to be king, however I try to take it out of the equation of my life ever so often. I’d tell 雷梦轩 that I am somewhere between caring a lot about him and loving him. To everybody else I’d probably have nothing much to say, either ‘cause there isn’t really much to say or because it is quite possibly going to be bluntly hurtful.
Okay, talking about emotions is not cathartic at all. It is making me shrink back to this small individual instead of expanding me and connecting me to the universe. lol
What is this thing that we keep grasping in the dirty water of life that we call “meaning”? Is it there in the first place? It is in times like this that I often start questioning it, but really it is just my way of expressing self-disappointment: I may be rejected by CUHK and I dread the thought of it, so in a sense I am shifting the responsibility to the fundamental meaninglessness of human beings’ existence and of life just to make my rejection the universe’s loss instead of my own.
Wow…this is something that I have never thought of so clearly before.
The solution part is always the hardest to a piece of analysis. What am I to do?
By predictable logical extension it is easy: just face the music and deal with whatever comes. But apparently in this case, as in many other cases, words far proceed the pace of my mentality.
