Things that happen in this petit corner of the world, sometimes about myself and sometimes society at large and sometimes both.
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I don’t want to be your friend anymore.
Actually, tell me, why the fuck should I stay friends with you if all you do is make fun of me in front of other people at dinner at lunch?
Oh my god, all those meals and get-togethers that you drag me to. They are just like your one-man circus show where you are the man of the hour and I am the monkey.
What the fuck do I get from this relationship besides the taunting? Is it oh so enjoyable that I keep coming back for more?
I am oh so sick and tired of your ego, your insecurities, your neediness and your insane self-righteousness. It is never that I am selfish and inconsiderate of your needs, it has always been you. You and your fucking self-obsessed needs and needs after needs.
I am fucking pulling the plug, you moron!!!! Fuck off with your cheeky face, calling me things when you are all of them.
Recently I have been a diligent news reader, following both The Guardian and the Wall Street Journal, and isn’t there an awful lot of news about China.
Latest has it that the US is reasserting its economic and military presence in Asia-Pacific to supposedly stand off China’s increasing influence and potential threat to other countries in the same region.
I can understand the other countries’ fears. It is certainly not a sound sleep next to a neighbor that is way more massive in size and almost all other aspects.
But I just can’t help feeling a little being ganged up on by all the neighbors. I am beginning to wonder what it is that makes some nations friends but others enemies. The diplomats and political scientists might say there is never friendship but forever vested interests, but I always felt that under all the science there is a very simple, and very human reason: no reason, it’s just some people/country one instinctively likes and others that one just doesn’t.
As an insider, I am not feeling all the politics, all I am feeling right now with respect to what the U.S. and the other Southeast Asian countries are doing is that China is being purposefully turned into a monster and being alienated, just like in a school and China is like a freak that no one wants anything to do with.
I mean, nobody has this much to say and do when the U.S. or Japan was on the rise. Is it just because culturally the US is closer to the European, or Japan was then backed by the US, and that the pan-European bloc is one big happy family where everything is a-Okay?
Academically, I just realized that I haven’t been able to turn up any good work since I was in England, and that was 10 months ago.
I checked my grades, and they are kind of bleak.
I checked how I did in my french exam, which I like the language and had spent quite some time reviewing with some very sincere dedication. It is a rather disappointing 82 out of 100.
At this point a part of me (yes, there is always a smug part in me that never dies) just feels frustrated: the way I review and the way I approach my work hasn’t changed that much, then how come the outcome is turning south all of a sudden? I kind of shudder at the thought that “Oh my god, my brain is finally shedding its smart mask and revealing its true stupidity”. But again, the glib part of my spirit just doesn’t get it, ever.
All in all, I’d really explain this downturn as an inevitable result of some meteor that has supposedly crossed the sky recently and stirred the earth’s magical smart energy filed…(yeah, listen to me, this person is crazy). Let’s just hope the water quiets down eventually.
I feel like I am drifting away from my old high school friends and classmates, and I am not feeling as bad or sad as I probably should.
They are most of them shooting off into the booming economy of the country working for big financial institutions as accountants or investment bankers, while I, along with a few others, go off to be linguists, historians, or theologians specializing in Tibetan Buddhism or History of Western China. Wow, I guess my team sounds way more awesome on paper lol.
Cheers,
What is there to life anyway? If the validation from the outside world starts crumbling and becomes all of a sudden uncertain, and you thus become even incredulous of who you are and what you are made of?
Life somehow is subsequently reduced to sex, everything about it. The thought of sex, the visuals, the tentative acts of it on my own body, then suddenly halted because I have simply given it too many a go lately and do not have the “sexiness” in me anymore, and also because of the realization that sex here is simply an escape mechanism.
Life is certainly not about doing meaningful things at the moment anymore, but rather filling it with tasks and tasks and tasks until the pit is full, but is it ever?
What is there to worry about anyway? Julian Barnes seems to think, as have many great people from the past, that with the thought of death in mind everything’s ultimate significance becomes clearer, and you may well gain a whole different perspective on life. So I am going to do it for a few seconds.
If I were to die in a few hours…the thought of any MA admission or academic dissertation would be the last thing on my mind.
Emotion proves to be king, however I try to take it out of the equation of my life ever so often. I’d tell 雷梦轩 that I am somewhere between caring a lot about him and loving him. To everybody else I’d probably have nothing much to say, either ‘cause there isn’t really much to say or because it is quite possibly going to be bluntly hurtful.
Okay, talking about emotions is not cathartic at all. It is making me shrink back to this small individual instead of expanding me and connecting me to the universe. lol
What is this thing that we keep grasping in the dirty water of life that we call “meaning”? Is it there in the first place? It is in times like this that I often start questioning it, but really it is just my way of expressing self-disappointment: I may be rejected by CUHK and I dread the thought of it, so in a sense I am shifting the responsibility to the fundamental meaninglessness of human beings’ existence and of life just to make my rejection the universe’s loss instead of my own.
Wow…this is something that I have never thought of so clearly before.
The solution part is always the hardest to a piece of analysis. What am I to do?
By predictable logical extension it is easy: just face the music and deal with whatever comes. But apparently in this case, as in many other cases, words far proceed the pace of my mentality.
